It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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