Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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