I think my vagina is haunted
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
