im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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