How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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