i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I fill condoms, not promises.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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