I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
