It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
