For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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