I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
