Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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