It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
