did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
