Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
