I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
