put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
