The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
