I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
