Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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