To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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