But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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