Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
