I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
