I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
dude. I can hear the air.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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