he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
a search helicopter?!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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