I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
mondays should just be called national damage control day
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
