3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
