Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
