ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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