I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Randomize
