I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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