Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
