I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
