Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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