he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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