how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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