my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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