So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
