Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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