he puts the penis in happiness.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
