im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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