i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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