Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
