I'm so fucking centered right now
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
