I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
