you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
