Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
