Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
