Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
