What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
