i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
