I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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